Don't Eat That!

For the past 13 years or so, I have struggled with eating. I honestly don't even remember the last time I ate fast food, or indulged in dessert (like a yummy croissant or donut for example). It even feels weird to me to watch other people do it because I'm just like WHAT, HOW??!! I literally contemplate EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth 100 times before I actually decide to eat it. Whenever I eat something it is a well thought out conscious decision and I never just go with it.

I've gone through waves and different phases of what I guess you can call "eating disorder". I don't even like to label it as that because I feel like I am not worthy enough to have an eating disorder. It's a funny concept, but I even experience imposter syndrome in this sector of my life. Anyways, I've been through them all; anorexia, binge eating, vomiting, self harm, spitting out food (ew), excessive exercising, and avoiding and restricting food (which is where I'm at now).

When I was about 18-19 years old, my dad really wanted to get my help and would come home with binders full of names and centres he wanted me to attend. I refused. I wasn't ready to admit that I needed help. My mom would say that unless I wanted to change, I wouldn't. And she was right.

I think that sometimes we need to come to accept things on our own terms and realize when we need to ask for help. I first started speaking to a therapist when I was about 27 and I was so reluctant to talk about my eating habits. I don't know if it was the fear of being seen or the fear that my therapist would try and take this away from me. When I finally started to open up, I told her that I was scared to live without it. I almost want to personify my eating disorder because I feel like it or she is a part of me. She makes me who I am and I hold on so tight because I don't know what life is like without her.

Throughout the years and many therapy sessions, I realized that my eating disorder is tightly intertwined with my obsessive personality and need for control. I am so afraid to let go and lose control and I still don't really know why. It could be my perfectionism kicking in, telling me that I need to look perfect, be perfect, be composed, be a good girl, and follow the rules. It is most definitely the fear of being "fat", which is a sensitive word for me.

I find myself writing this post and actually kind of surprised that this was the topic that spoke to me today. I usually don't talk about it out loud. I am just starting to become more open with my family and friends, so today I thought I would share it with others. I'm sure there are so many other women out there going through the same thing and I think this is more of a process rather than an end goal.

Through yoga and mindfulness I am healing my mind, which in turn is healing my body. I try my best to live a balanced lifestyle where I can find pleasure and also discipline. I am so grateful for my body and for all it does for me. It allows me to move, and to see, and to breathe and to live. It takes me

 to all the places I love and it is the home to my soul.

My affirmation for today is: I deserve to love my body. I thank my body. I appreciate my body and I will not harm my body.

Thanks for reading this super vulnerable post.

I hope it inspired you to love your body as well!

❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

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