I’m not feeling like me

This past week, I've been home from work because it's March break and I am a teacher. I feel like I've been doing things that are out of my comfort zone and I have been so triggered and thrown off.

As I reflect, I feel like all of my priorities are out of order and I haven't been spending quality time with the people I truly love. I've been pouring my energy into people and things that don't necessarily align with my peace. I've been drinking and eating a lot more than usual, which totally makes me feel disconnected to myself. I haven't been preforming my rituals or practicing self care. I have been getting to bed really late and waking up later than normal.

The worst part is, is that I have been comparing myself. Comparing myself to my past self. Dwelling on the past and the could have beens. I've been thinking too much about things that are not important and I need to reevaluate my core values. I have also been comparing myself to others around me and feeling less than for things that shouldn't make me feel less than.

I just needed this space to vent and to be honest with myself and also with all of you. I feel like I have been very disconnected, private and chaotic. I just want to get back to feeling like myself again and to check my priorities and values and to put them back in order.

One thing that helps me see the bigger picture, is to realize that the world does not revolve around me. I am not the centre of the universe and no one is thinking about me as much as I am thinking about myself.

It is okay to make mistakes, it is okay to feel chaotic and say the wrong things sometimes. The most important part is that you are able to realize it, acknowledge it and then learn from it.

These past few days that have felt somewhat like an eternity to me have been a lesson in themselves. They have shone the light for me on the things that actually matter and are important to me. They have made me see the people I have been failing to see.

As I sit in the dentist chair, patiently waiting to be attended, I am very present as I sit with my thoughts and feelings. I am looking around admiring the happy spring decorations and beautiful hydrangeas. I can smell the weirdly clean, but distinct scent of the dentist office. I can hear lots of cheerful voices of people entering to chat with the secretaries. I can taste the sweet lingering taste of the mouth wash I gargled with before I came.

As I notice all the beauty in this moment I come back to the present. I start to forget about what I was dwelling on before I got here. The worry and anxiety that lived in my body just moments ago starts to melt away and I allow myself to breathe again.

I forgive myself for the way I mistreated myself and even others this past week. I acknowledge that I am not perfect and I make an oath to myself to try and do better. I let go of the negative thoughts and find the self compassion needed to forgive myself.

Please know that everything is just a season. This too shall pass. Stay true to who you are, and when you lose yourself for a moment, just know that you can always turn around and come back home.

I love you and care about you.

Cassandra